Saturday, March 10, 2012

10 on 10 | march

march 2012 - i am strong enough

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride lately. Towards the end of last month, I realized for the first time that I was suffering from postpartum depression. It took me by surprise since I didn't really feel all that sad, at least at first, & I had never experienced it before. I just didn't have much motivation to make or keep goals, & I didn't care. I was floating through life after Ruby was born, but I felt fairly happy. Honestly, having a second child wasn't nearly as hard as everyone made it out to be, & I enjoyed it a lot. But then my lack of motivation started to flow into too many areas of my life - I had no desire to exercise, I cleaned my home sparingly, I stopped spending quality time with my children & husband, I wasn't taking care of myself spiritually . . . . I soon began to feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. When these feelings came, I began to feel down, more & more each day. Then one day, I had the sudden realization that I was dealing with something far more serious than I had realized. I was depressed, extremely depressed, & I could hardly function. I was at a breaking point & wanted to just melt into non-existance. I called Scott at work & sobbed uncontrollably. I was a failure, & I was ashamed. I was desperate for help.

Scott was the amazing support that he has always been & took time off of work to help get me back on my feet again. We took a mini vacation to the beach to refresh my soul, & when we returned home, my mom came up to stay with me for a couple days to get me on track & help out. Admitting that I had a problem became a huge help in motivating me to take the necessary steps to get my life in order again. I set mini goals for myself each day, dragging my feet to get the simplest tasks done. It felt like I was physically wading through mud up to my thighs. But soon the tasks & goals became easier to accomplish. Within a matter of weeks, I felt transformed & much more like my normal self. I could feel the influence of God in my life again & didn't feel nearly as alone. Of course I still have difficult days, but now I know I can fight them & keep moving in the right direction to be the mother & wife I know I should be.

I am so grateful for this project & the opportunity it has given me to see the beauty in my everday life . . . to focus on finding special moments in the most mundane things. I struggled a lot yesterday morning & wasn't sure that I could pick myself back up again, but I took the time to complete some simple tasks, nurtured myself spiritually, & then completed this project by the end of the day, filled with happiness & peace. The end of February & the start of March have been a trial, but I am trying my best to continue on & see the joy that surrounds me. I will be happy. I choose to be happy, pushing myself, sometimes while crying & fighting, until I get past that cloudy abyss & feel the light in my life again.  I will continue to do so each & every day. 

"good morning Ruby."

playing the piano in skivvies & singing the ABCs.

learning the importance of hard work.

time out. 

suffering. feeling like I might just disappear.

but pushing through:

feeding this perfect babe - & let me tell you, getting this picture was not an easy task, but I was determined, & when I'm determined, watch out :).

dinner at Jalisco - delicious.

trip to the mail.

asleep in the car - look at all that hair she's getting! I love that she is curled forward with fisted hands, so much like a newborn. love this babe.

Continue the 10 on 10 circle by visiting Jen at Jennifer Kruk Photography.

10 comments:

  1. This is just a breathtaking post. Thank you for your transparency about your struggle with PPD. I have dealt with it as well, and it's encouraging to see you overcoming it!

    Your family is simply beautiful. I loved having a look at your day, and I love your photo of you feeding your baby:) Blessings to you!

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  2. *hugs* It's hard sometimes. Great job completing the project! I love the picture of your reflection in the shower tiles - amazing. and the nursing shot - mad skillz mama!! I love that all your photos are 'real life'. Great shot of the time out:)

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  3. Beautiful Liz. I dealt with postpartum depression much in the same way as you after Eli was born. Thank you for being so beautifully candid about your experience. It makes me feel more human to know that other incredible, strong women out there face the same challenge. I love this blog. My favorites from this piece are feeding Ruby, time out, trip to the mail. and pushing through. You're so beautiful. The light within you radiates outward.

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  4. I love you. I love your talent and skills in photography as well :). Make it a good one today!

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  5. Darling. Way to "push through". LOVE your portrait. Esp loved seeing the nursing shot. I wish I had some of me with my girls.

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  6. Oh Liz, I am sorry that you had to go through postpartum depression... that is difficult and I really do not have the words... BUt let me tell you. YOu are wonderful and you have the most beautiful family. YOu are a very lucky woman and thank you for sharing your story in these fabulous 10s. The pictures are so beautiful. Many hugs and kisses!!!!

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  7. Your honest words and sense of rawness in your images is truly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  8. Love your images and your story!!! So brave to share it!!

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  9. Such a beautiful and open post. If I lived near you I would bring you some mint tea and take you for pedicures! You know when you wrote of the difficulty of getting the nursing shot (which is gorgeous), and how you were going to get it because you were determined, and so look out! - I knew that you would come out the other end of this ppd just fine...
    Gorgeous images and look inside your day!

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  10. hugs to you. these photos are beautiful and kudos to you for capturing them at such a difficult time.

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